From a Boy to a Man

Thank you - a letter to my first love.

I had never been in a serious relationship before and I wasn’t even looking for one. This just kinda happened. As much as I’d want to give all of myself, I thought I was a ‘wham, bam’ kinda guy. I think it all stemmed from me wanting to save myself from the irrationalities and lack of level headed behavior that’s often associated with love.

But I was caught off guard. School restarted and out the blue this beautiful creature with the most interesting eyes and cutest smile walks up to me asking me questions. Initially I thought you were cute, but after doing a once over, honestly, you were gorgeous. I couldn’t stop staring. A conversation started, then ended abruptly, because I’m always on the go (I need to slow down more). But when I got home, I see you’re following me on twitter. I reciprocate & took it further by asking for your pin…and that’s how it started…

The Beginning

We’d talk about general, platonic stuff; music, movies, TV, likes, dislikes, family, etc. Then we’d have the arbitrary conversations. Then it got deeper.

I’d give you a synopsis of my day. You’d do the same.

We saw more & more of each other physically, conversations were less abrupt. You wanted to know where I was during the day, and I you. Then the first kiss. As awkward as it was, me not having much practice in the art and you, admittedly being green to the whole experience, it was special.

After a while we’d sneak away to where we could find and kiss like it’s nobody’s business. It became official soon after. We were in a relationship. Each BBM conversation would end with a good night and a new one with good morning. Any guy who tried to push up on you, you’d tell em you’re in a relationship. You said I was your first everything. First relationship, first kiss, first you gave head to (and you were amazing), and I’m the first to go down on you. And what I loved about you was that none of it was rushed. You took control. I loved that. Not too fast, not too slow.

Me? I fell in love with you more & more each day. I’d found the perfect catch. Amazing eyes, good conversation, fantastic physique and an ass I loved to grab on to. Not only that, I LOVED your brain.

You taught me. Everything from science, to general knowledge, to TV shows and movies I should watch, music I should listen, EVERYTHING. From the start I was enamored with how much you knew and you passed it on so easily.

I let my guard down and didn’t feel vulnerable. It felt right. I told you any and everything. Family life, things that pissed me off, the ones before you, even pointed them out so you would know them. All the insecurities, all the times I didn’t feel confident, when I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I was more honest with you than anyone in my life. I laid all the cards on the table.

But none of that mattererd.

You loved me, more than what was in my pants, more than what I could do for you. You loved me for me. I loved you more. So much more. If I never felt like a man before, you erased that every time I saw you. I was THE man. And that was an amazing feeling. And I wanted this to last forever.

Songs like ‘You mean the World to me’ (Toni Braxton) and lyrics like ‘when I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change, cuz you’re amazing, just the way you are. And when you smile, the whole World stops & stares for a while; (Just the way you are, Bruno Mars) made perfect sense.

When I heard Maya’s song ‘Fallen’ i thought about you. I was madly in love with you. That new Beyonce track, ‘Love on Top’ was exactly how you made me feel. That song you sent? Home (Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic zeros) I played it every day.

Every time I saw you, my heart smiled. Seeing you or talking with you via BBM was sometimes the only thing I needed to get through my day and when we hugged? Heaven. I’d keep that embrace as long as I could.

‘Wow’ moments

Remember that one time when I woke up with the worst stomachache cuz I ate too much and called you? At 2 in the morning! And even though you were far away having your voice on the other end, talking me through it, even kissing me through the phone gave me more comfort than any hot beverage or pill could ever have.

I loved you for being there.

I loved watching you sleep :) you looked so peaceful and I made sure to watch over you, to protect you while you rested.

All the times I’d catch you staring with those amazing eyes and your head tilted to the side. And I’d laugh and ask what you were staring at.

Or the time you were leaving and you said ‘I love you’ there and then. I didn’t expect it. And even though I went silent, inside I was like a kid in a candy store. 

Or that time we hadn’t seen each other for a while and when we finally did see each other the tension was amazing! That night I gushed about you to my inner circle. You made me feel like the happiest man alive to have you in my life.

When we got to our place and just started kissing, me feasting on your neck, you grabbing on to me and moaning not wanting it to stop. Then we kissed and you left hickies all over my neck. You were a killer at neck kissing & as much as I tried, I left few. You left tons.

And that time you came over to my house?

O_O

mind blowing.

I’m getting hard just thinking about it. Even though we didn’t go all the way. We never did, sadly, but I did feast on that beautiful thing between your legs. I’ve never loved tasting anything more than I did you. You became my favorite flavor. And when that was over the shower we took & playing afterwards? When u pushed me under the cold water and I came out, teeth chattering and you had a towel to wrap me in?

I really loved you. If that’s what true love felt like, then I never wanted it to end. I even made a promise to you that I’d always want you in my life.

The end & lessons learned

Then one day, you just started to ignore me. Calls, BBMs, texts, direct messages on twitter…

Wait….what? How did I go from waking up every morning to a “Morning! :) :*  how’d you sleep” to nothing. Silence. So I took matters into my own hands.

Fine. I was wrong to show up uninvited to your house, and yeah, I know you’d never do the same. And there’s no excuse, but I don’t think you understood when I meant that I loved you. I’d go to bed & you’d be my last memory, in my dreams and wake up with a hard on not because its natural but because I dreamed had fantasies every day about you. I’d walk around campus, with a hardon when you were close. I didn’t care if I had to walk with a bag over my crotch to hide how I felt

I guess I should’ve noticed the change from the very moment you stopped responding to me, yet you were still tweeting.

But I didn’t want to. I wanted to go back to the way things were. You telling me how your day went, me doing the same. At least some semblance of what was. But I realized it wouldn’t be the same.

Whenever I sent you a BBM, you replied when you felt like it (if you ever did). No more good morning or good nights either.  Never asked how my day went. You didn’t care. But every time I saw a message from you, my heart jumped. And I lived in that moment. Not once did you say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you’.

If I said ‘I love you’ it was always snuck in and your responses felt like you didn’t mean it. I realized everything when I said I missed you and you….well, you just read it & didn’t reply.

heh, I sound pathetic…

But that’s how you made me feel, like I never existed.

That’s what love does I guess, makes you do things you never would’ve.

On Tuesday, I woke up to your reply on how my day went on Monday, a part of me knew it was coming, the other didn’t believe it.

“I don’t care”

“Please fuck off”

“Let it be known”

“Don’t ever talk to me again”

Love has a funny way of blinding people from the reality of who someone really is or has become.

I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know if that ‘please’ before ‘fuck off’ was you being nice or saying that you’re not yourself. To my best knowledge, I didn’t do anything to deserve that.

It hurt me, it really did. And as I read it over I said to myself  ‘this can’t be you, who made my heart skip a beat when I saw someone that looked like you, or the same you that when I’m holding and kissing butt naked I was on cloud 9.  I gladly turned down tons of silly girls because of you, the same ones who suddenly liked me & I’d respond “I’m in a relationship, sorry”, (why is it that when you’re single no one wants you but as soon as you get involved you’re wanted smh) or the same one I said ‘I love you’ a million times to and felt like you’d be a part of my life forever.

For a moment I even thought it was a joke. Then several hours later I checked. You deleted me on BBM and unfollowed me on twitter. Even sub tweeted me. I guess after reading this you’ll probably un-friend me on Facebook too.

As tough as I tried to be about it, I shed a few tears. The first cut is the deepest, right? But part of me said don’t. The part that loved you.  Because I honestly did love you. With everything I had. And the sucky part is I still do. And as much as I could say all the worst things about you right here, right now, fact is, I wont. The memories of us are still very much alive in my mind and the feelings still stay in my heart. I don’t know if that makes me a fool but if its anything I know about love it’s this:

It’s patient

I’ve been patient ever since you began to ignore me and didn’t want to give a reason

Doesn’t get angry easily

I had every reason to be angry with you, but I chose (and still choose) not to

It keeps no records of wrongs

I still thought you were perfect when everyone was saying ‘Sean, no, leave. You don’t deserve that’

*sigh*

I can’t say I regretted anything. I’ve never regretted anything I’ve done in my life. I knew being with you would be a risk. But I did it any way. And I loved every moment of it.

The way I see it, the end of a relationship is like death, never focus on how it ended, only on how the person made you feel and the good times you had. And You made me feel like I was a King, like the happiest man in the World.

Everything happens for a reason

I always said ‘Thank you’ when we were having conversations. And when you’d ask what for I’d reply ‘For being you, :*’

And in the end, I want to say that. Thank you. Thanks for allowing me to let go of myself and share my life with you. Thank you for loving me as much as you did. I now know what it means to love someone wholly. Thank you for being there. Thanks for being you.

They say you never stop loving someone, you only learn to live without them. Guess I’ll have to learn to live without you.

I hope you read this…

Chances are you won’t…

I’ll see you around…

I guess…

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