From a Boy to a Man

Understand your emotions, never let them control you

Emotions have always played a big role in my upbringing whether I was told not to show them or to express myself freely, they were always there. As a boy, I did a lot of things impulsively with my heart rather than my head & tried to figure out what my emotions were trying to say & what reaction I should give or shouldn’t give in return. I’ve never believed in bottling my emotions, I’ve seen what that can do and I’d rather let shit out than keep it in & rot away. Apart from that, I was always expressive to the extreme- if I’m happy, you’d damn well know it & if I’m feeling blue, well, you’d feel blue too.

During my teen years, that impulsive nature made me gradually come to a better understanding of who I am and what I’m about. On the flip side, it caused me to wear my emotions on my sleeve, leading to great & not so great experiences. 

For instance, some weeks ago, after dinner when mommy asked me to do the dishes, (among other chores) I obliged. Then she added more to the list of duties (in a kinda nagging ‘do it now or else kinda way) which got me a little peeved. Listening to my mother tell me over & over what to do is a bore at best, so after completing all the tasks & listening to her telling me to check the kitchen again if it’s spotless, I lost it.

Like the grown child I am, I told her I wasn’t going in the kitchen because I did all that I needed to do. She flipped. Curses. Goes on a rant about not being obligated to cook anything, how ungrateful I was for saying what I said to her etc.

She talks some more, I talk back (bad idea). She cusses some more, throws words, gave threats about what I’d become with a bunch of colorful adjectives. I go to my room, close the door, lay in bed & think as she ranted outside. Then I started to wonder why I responded the way I did. That’s when it became clear- I was burdened with things I hadn’t sorted out in my own life- from trying to catch up on assignments I hadn’t given in because of my own procrastination, to slight worries about learning lines for an individual monologue, a play & a piece for QUILT (a performing arts group I’m apart of) getting the characters right, concerned if I’d pass eliminations & even the hefty sum I owe U.W.I. But chief among these unsettled issues was the confusion, unresolved anger I had towards a former flame (we passed each other that night about 3 times) and the annoyance of someone asking who my enigmatic ex was.

I was annoyed because of I have, and always will be very private with my relationships, whether slight or serious and I don’t want whomever I’m dating out there unless its okay by both of us. No photos, rarely going out, just…us. Privacy. Heck, I could be married right now, had kids & no more than 3 people would know, that’s how much I value my intimate ties.

But this isn’t about my love life…

After regaining composure, I realized I was in the wrong and I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I had to address the issues. Turns out my worrying for Tallawah was foolish (all worrying is foolish by the way). Even though I didn’t know all my lines on stage, I won for Best Male monologue, got nominated for Best Supporting actor in an ensemble piece called ‘Broken’ done by QUILT and the play we did won 6 awards (Best production, Best lighting, Best director, Best supporting actress, Best sound & Best costumes) As for my assignments, I did all of them & I think I’m done with the longing for that lost love. Better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all, right? 

What I learned from all of this is as simple as the tweet I made earlier today ‘Never take things too personal, emotions are blinding. You can’t change people or the past-accept them for what they are & the lessons they bring‘ additionally, you should never let your emotions guide any task laid before you. If you do, failure is sure. Focus, think about the ways to approach it then execute.

Emotions are powerful, wonderful & necessary. But, you should always try to understand them & never let them overpower you. That’s why there’s logic.

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